As most of you know, our lives have changed quite a bit in the past year and a half. The kids' dad and I are several months into a very messy divorce. It's not so much that things are ugly, but more that we have the opposite idea of what is best for everyone. I am hoping and praying that this ends soon... there are GOOD things in the future.
I have been thinking about making a new blog feature about life as a single mom. It is so very different being on your own than it is being with someone as a parent. I wouldn't say that I didn't respect single moms before, but I really did not understand just how hard it is. I would like to start this blog series by taking a step back and walking through what the past couple of years has been like. From finding out about my husbands affair to finding my own self to meeting the new love of my life. (Yes, big announcements coming!!!)
So to start, I think it would be easiest to jump right in and get out what happened in the first place to change our family so drastically. I built this blog years ago based on my love for my family. I wanted to share what was going on in our lives and connect with other families. Unfortunately, things weren't as peachy in real life as they seemed in the blog.
Two years ago things really started to fall apart in our marriage. I was at that point very suspicious that he was having an affair but I didn't know for sure. I stayed with him and tried to work things out for several months. I went to counseling alone, counseling with him, went to Weekend to Remember, talked and talked and talked. But talking wasn't getting anywhere since only one of us would acknowledge that something was going on.
I tried to change everything I could myself to make things better at home. I thought if I was the 'perfect' wife and mom that I could fix everything myself. So I made it a point to make sure the house was spotless, laundry done, kids taken care of, dinner on the table, you name it! Unfortunately the depression part of things took over with the anxiety of not knowing what was happening. There came a point when I was done fighting and done trying.
My heart truly goes out to anyone who has ever had to feel that gut wrenching pain of knowing the one you love is out with someone else. It's not something you can just ignore or push past. I couldn't list enough emotions on this page to cover the roller coaster I was going through. As soon as I started to think something was wrong, I looked at myself. What was wrong with me?
Next week I will talk about making the decision to walk away. I eventually got the 'proof' I needed to move on and I finally had the courage to do it.